Four weeks ago, I was suspicious.  I was a few weeks late, and tired, and exceptionally sensitive to everything my co-workers said and every look my husband gave me.

Adelyn learned how to roll over two weeks ago.  She had been working on it for some time, and then, one morning out of the blue, there she was, on her belly.  Getting her to spend any amount of time on her belly prior had been like pulling her non-existent teeth, resulting in a temper tantrum.  Now that she's able to roll, she somewhat enjoys time on her belly, and is able to lift her head up to look around, or lift her butt up and scoot forward, though neither occurs simultaneously.  Almost immediately when you lay her down, she's rolling.  Which is great - it means she's meeting her developmental milestones in addition to being the cutest baby ever.

But it's not without its negative sides.  Now that she can roll from back to belly, she likes to do it whenever I lay her down to sleep.  At first, I panicked.  Doesn't she know that the American Association of Pediatric Physicians recommends that babies sleep on their back for the first year?!?  Doesn't she know that babies that sleep on their back have a drastically lower occurrence of SIDS?!?  This panic resulted in many sleepless nights, of checking her every 15 minutes to make sure she hadn't rolled over in her sleep and suffocated herself.  Even if she was peacefully asleep, and breathing fine, I would roll her over onto her back, which of course would wake her up.  I wedged rolled up blankets around her so she couldn't roll, watched her like a stalker on our baby cam (yes, we have  baby cam), and even contemplated sleeping on the floor next to her crib to I would hear her whenever she lifted a pinkie.  Finally, Bishop, my mom, my pediatrician, and numerous other people managed to talk me down, and assured me that if she can roll over, she's strong enough to make sure she doesn't smother herself. 

She also has a tendency to roll to her belly and get stuck.  She hasn't been able to figure out how to roll back the other way yet, resulting in screams when she wakes up and finds herself trapped on her belly.  So several times a night, Bish or I zombie walk into the nursery in response to her protests, flip her over, and pray that she falls back asleep. 

We've been extremely spoiled by Adelyn.  She's been sleeping through the night since about 6 weeks old.  Not just the midnight-6am through the night, but the 8pm-8am through the night.  We've both become accustomed to having a few hours to ourselves in the evening, getting a full night's sleep, and even sometimes waking up before her.  So any waking up in the middle of the night is difficult on both of us simply because we're no longer used to it.

Anyways, today, I laid her down for a nap.  She promptly rolled over, and fell asleep on her belly.  This is huge, because she can actually fall asleep ON HER OWN in that position, and I don't have to go in and fix it everytime she does it.  She woke up about an hour later, babbling to the walls or the window or whatever it is she talks to while in bed, scooted around a bit, and managed to roll herself back over to her back.  She just laid there in awe, wondering how she had flipped back over.  For 20 minutes, she rolled back and forth, completely content.  Via baby cam, I got to watch Adelyn discovering that she could control her movements and exploring the crib with her hands.  Eventually, she lodged herself in the corner and couldn't move, at which time I went in.  But the time prior was amazing. 

I know it sounds silly, and maybe non-parents can't appreciate this yet, but seeing her learn, examine her environment, and discover what she can do is the greatest.  And to think that I have a front-row seat for the next 18+ years just makes me realize how blessed I am.  There are so many more discoveries in her future, and I'm so glad I get to be there for them!

Throughout my entire life, I've always been a worrier.  About things that I could and couldn't control.  I'm not adventurous.  I'm terrified of driving on interstates.  I don't like going fast or being high off the ground.  I'm constantly on the lookout for dangerous situations, don't like to be in unknown circumstances, and am overprotective of the people and things that I love.

I was not prepared for this to become drastically amplified now that I am a mom.  I'm scared of everything now.  Of screwing up my daughter.  Of all of the horrible things that could happen to her just because there are some fucked up people out there.  Somethings I can control - how much attention I give her, keeping her healthy, making sure she is warm and fed and bathed and diapered.  I can play with her and keep her stimulated to help her develop a strong mind and body.  But, as Bish can attest to, I'm always worried about SIDS, overheating, dropping her, not feeding her enough, folic acid deficiencies, vaccine reactions, developmental problems, constipation, kidnapping, child molestation, and a million other things that you see on the news or read about.  The list goes on and on, from the inane to the horrific. 

I knew being a parent wouldn't be easy.  The thing is, I'm not scared of being a mom.  I'm scared FOR her.  Knowing that there will come a day when I won't be able to protect her from something I didn't see coming.  Knowing that someday I'm going to inadvertently fail her.  And I know that it's ridiculous to think about this now since she's all of 12 weeks old, but this little girl means the world to me, and I can't stand to think of her hurting either through my actions or inactions.

But I'm also terrified of smothering her, as I am apt to do, and pushing her away from me.  (Not a huge fear now, but one always in the back of my mind as I think about being a parent for the rest of my life).  I want to allow her to grow into an independent, opinionated, and strong-willed woman.  I want her to make her own choices and feel confident in her decisions.  I don't want her to grow up being scared or constantly seeking other's approval.  I want her to know that whatever she does, I will support and love her, that she can always come to me for anything, that no matter what is said in anger or frustration, to know that I love her and know that she loves me.  An open relationship with no regrets.

What I don't understand is how to balance these desires and be best mother for Adelyn.  How can I protect her without making her so naive that she can't function in reality?  How can I keep her safe from all the horrible things and people without her becoming narrow-minded, bigoted, or losing her ability to trust anyone completely?

Maybe all new moms have these same thought processes.  The mothering instinct is so natural and ingrained in us.  The desire to protect her is far stronger than any bitchiness I possess to something much more fierce.  I love Bish, but I know that at the end of the day, he can probably take care of himself.  But this little girl depends on me, and I don't want to let her down.  Ever.

So tonight's the night.  Bishop is making me put Adelyn in her crib, in her own room.  She's been sleeping in a basinette in our room since she was born, not even an arm's length away from me.  Some of you might think, duh, she should be in the nursery...it IS the room that was made for her....  But, it'll be hard tonight.  It'll probably be the best night's sleep I've gotten since she was born, but it'll still be hard.  Sometimes, I wake up just to check that she's breathing, or that she's still covered up by her blanket.  I can easily stick the pacifier in her mouth if she's getting a little fussy.  I can just look to see if she's still asleep when she's starting the make noises, or if she's actually awake and needs me for something. 
It's only been 9 weeks...surely she's not old enough to be away from me yet!  What's next?  She'll want to drive the car and needs a later curfew??  I'm not ready to accept that she doesn't need me by her side at ALL TIMES.  So this is the second time that I'm gonna have to "cut the cord" (the first time was the literal cutting of the cord) and just take this a the natural progression of babyness.  I'm hoping I can do this without any crying, either by her or me...

So, someone is starting to smile!  I spend a significant portion of my day trying to coax one out :)